


Don’t Tell Me That Your Love Is Gone

by BlindingEchoes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Background Case, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Blood and Injury, Blow Jobs, Castiel and Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester are Jack Kline's Parents, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Time Having Sex, Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, Dirty Talk, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, F/M, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, Homophobic John Winchester, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Jack Kline as God, John Winchester A+ parenting, Love Confessions, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Mention of past Dean Winchester/OMC, Near Death Experiences, Post-Canon Fix-It, Sam Winchester Knows, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sharing a Bed, Soul Bond, Soulmates, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:41:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29386446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlindingEchoes/pseuds/BlindingEchoes
Summary: Dean gets hurt on a case and nearly dies, again. Why does that keep happening!? Turns out Jack might have some insight as to why Dean is so easily being dragged down by death and knows exactly how to fix it.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 185





	Don’t Tell Me That Your Love Is Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for a fic exchange, it went way over word count so instead of trashing it I figured I’d post it anyway.
> 
> Not my first time writing fics or posting them, but it is my first time uploading anything to AO3, figured after so many years I might as well. 
> 
> Unbeta’d, all mistakes are my own and I apologize for them.
> 
> Remember, only you can fix terribly written finales *thumbs up*

Crappy roadside motels were a strange thing, they were like really ugly time capsules. So often they looked like nothing had changed since the early seventies, goldenrod shag carpet and flocked wallpaper, avocado green furniture and beds that were probably rolled off of the assembly line when Eisenhower was still in office. Yet there was something welcoming about that never ending string of nostalgia that seemed to plague every rundown roadside motel, it was probably why hunters stayed at them so often, that and of course the low prices. 

The one that was currently being used by the Winchesters was empty, two queen sized beds shoved into a far too small room, a barely working old television sitting on a heavy looking teakwood dresser. There was a tiny wobbly table pushed under a window with two equally wobbly chairs, the faded sheer yellow curtains making the setting sun seem even more golden than it normally was as the room exploded in a nearly too bright burst of quickly paling light. One bed was covered in hastily strewn clothing, a couple magazines and an old paperback that was missing it’s cover although the faded wording on the spine alerted anyone who looked closely enough to the fact that it was a western. The other bed was tidier, a laptop bag and two duffles sat neatly on the foot of it. There was no sound within the room besides that of a ticking wall clock and a persistent drip from a leaking faucet in the small adjoining bathroom that had no doubt driven the occupants crazy the night before, but even those things paled in comparison to the noise that was about to overtake the small roadside motel room that was just at the edge of the Missouri state line.

“God fucking dammit!” Dean’s voice echoed down the hall before the room’s door banged open with more force than strictly needed, the man being practically dragged into the room by his brother and soon to be sister-in-law. Eileen rushed forward and shoved all of Dean’s belongings off of his bed and onto the floor, allowing Sam to lower him onto it gingerly. “Stupid bird bitch!” Dean cursed as he held his lower left side, blood seeping through his fingers from where they were pressed against his bloody shirt.

“I told you there was a second harpy!” Sam chastised as he yanked his coat and flannel off, letting them fall to the floor, his own hands smeared with blood.

“Really, Sam? Really? You’re pulling the; I told you so card? Now!?” Dean snapped at his brother before grunting in pain as Sam attempted to pull his brother’s clothing up so he could see the wounds.

“You need to stop day drinking dude, she never would’ve gotten the drop on you if you hadn’t been wasted.”

“I wasn’t wasted! Jesus!” Dean shouted between grunts of pain. “A couple beers haven’t gotten me wasted since I was twelve!” His limbs felt heavy, which wasn’t a good sign, he hardly even felt Eileen yanking his arms out of his own jacket and flannel, leaving him laying on top of them in just his torn up dark grey t-shirt, which was quickly becoming less grey and more blood red by the minute.

“Age slowing you down?” Eileen quipped as she pulled out the first aid kit, Dean managing to muster up enough strength to flip the woman off, which helped keep his mind off the fact that his brother was now poking at the three large gashes along his lower belly.

“That thing almost gutted you, Dean.” Sam said, sounding worried.

“Almost, Sammy, almost is the important word there. Just stitch me up and I’ll be fine.” Dean argued, although the heat was quickly leaving his tone, in fact the heat was leaving everything, had it always been so cold in the motel room?

“He needs a hospital.” He heard Eileen say to Sam, her voice sounding foggy in his ears.

“Hospital, my ass, I’ll be fine.” Dean said, or slurred, did he slur? Maybe he really ought to lay off the day drinking.  “Sammy, it’s really fucking cold in here.”

“Okay, no, hospital, come on.” Sam said, shifting to stand while attempting to yank his brother up and off of the bed only to stop when Dean let out a pain filled shout. “Dean!? Dean!” Sam’s voice was laced with worry, the older Winchester could still feel the bed under his back, why was Sam yelling like he had gone somewhere? “Goddammit Dean, not again, not now!”

Just over a year before, Dean had almost died, it was a stupid mistake while taking down a nest of vampires and it had almost spelt the end of Dean Winchester, if it hadn’t been for Jack. That damned kid, okay, that God, but he would always be their kid, just showed up and healed Dean before the man could get a word in edgewise. When asked why, Jack just said that it wasn’t his time to go. Normally that kind of bullshit would’ve made Dean scoff, but this was Jack, not Chuck, and he helped raise the kid, so he trusted him when he pulled that vague metaphysical bullshit. 

Not that Dean enjoyed living anymore, no, there was an emptiness that was lodged behind his ribs, wedged right up where his heart used to be. He didn’t talk about it, didn’t want to, didn’t need to, it was between him and his nightmares and he was perfectly fine with that. Life was hollow, he was hollow. It was different from any time he had been possessed or marked, then he could still find pieces of himself, his soul, as shattered or weak as it had been, was still there and would always eventually heal. But now, now it was like he had been scooped out empty, left a husk of the man he once was. Everything that made him care, laugh, cry, rage, it was just gone. All that was left behind was a bone deep aching emptiness, it was more than regret, more than heartbreak, more than grief, it was as if his ability to feel had been dampened to the point that he almost couldn’t anymore. 

“Sam...” Dean tried to lift his arm but it was so damned heavy. “Sam, it’s okay, everything’s going to be okay.” He slurred, feeling a large hand take ahold on his own. Dean managed a small smile, he couldn’t see much anymore, did he have his eyes closed? When did that happen? “I love you.” His words were barely audible, but he was sure that he had gotten across those last three words that he needed to say before the familiar darkness of death pulled him down. Dean let it, welcomed it. He was ready, he was done.

+*+*+*+*+

With a cringe Dean felt consciousness pull at his mind, everything slowly becoming clearer; like the horribly obnoxious noise of a dripping bathroom tap. It was annoying, he thought they had plugged that the night before. “Ugh, we gotta fix that tap.” He mumbled.

“Dean!?” Sam’s voice was strained, tight, thick with emotions.

Forcing his eyes open, Dean realized that he was laying on the shitty motel bed that he had been prior, only now his head was on the uncomfortably lumpy pillow, he was topless but could feel the overly starched duvet covering him up to just under his armpits. Turning his head to the left he saw Sam sitting in one of the crappy wobbly chairs next to the bed, it was wedged between the two, next to the single nightstand that held an ugly green lamp, which was on, no other light coming from anywhere. He could just make out a body laying in the bed behind Sam, from the size and shape of it, he knew it was Eileen. “Did we get the harpies?” Dean asked, his voice gravelly and rough.

Sam laughed softly, leaning forward in the chair making it creak dangerously, crappy wobbly motel chairs from the seventies weren’t made to hold his moose of a baby brother. “They got you.”

“Not. Awesome.” Dean groaned, tossing his arm over his eyes before pausing, peeking at his brother from beneath it. “Did I die?”

“Nearly.”

“Did I monologue?”

“No.”

“Oh thank fuck!” Dean sighed, moving to sit up, he still felt like shit but at least he wasn’t bleeding out anymore. “So, what happened?” He asked, since his bed was free of blood and he could see as the duvet pooled around his middle that there were no stitches or scars where there really ought to be considering he took a harpy’s talons to the gut. At Dean’s question, Sam looked over his shoulder, just passed the other bed where Eileen was dozing on top of the covers. Dean saw a figure get up from the other chair by the table, the one Sam hadn’t stolen to play nursemaid, and carefully walk farther into the room.

“Jack?” Dean said, looking surprised. They hadn’t seen the kid in over a year, not since the last time Dean had almost died. He still looked the same, awkward, gangly and too damned innocent for his own good. The boy, the God? Gave a little shy wave, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Get your ass over here kid!” Dean grinned, motioning Jack forward. That seemed to be all he needed before he rushed over and practically threw himself into Dean’s arms, the older Winchester making a little ‘ _ oof _ ’ noise as the too strong Nephilim turned God wrapped himself around Dean for a hug, the only thing stopping them from tumbling out of the bed sideways was Sam’s steadying grip on Dean’s shoulder. “Woah there kiddo.” Dean laughed happily, unwittingly waking up Eileen, as he patted Jack’s back soothingly. “It’s okay, we’re good.” He assured.

“I’ve missed you guys.” Jack said against Dean’s bare shoulder.

“We’ve missed you too.” Sam assured, smirking at Dean, which right there let him know that he too had gotten the same type of hello from Jack.

Dean managed to untangle the boy from him, holding him at arms length with a firm grip on his shoulders. “Did you do this?” He asked, motioning to his middle with a slight nod of his head. Jack gave his own little nod in return, not saying anything just yet. “You know you can’t keep playing favourites with us, Jack. You know that right?” Dean asked, not chancing a look at Sam for fear of what he might see in his brother’s eyes, was Dean really telling Jack to let him die?

“I’m not, I promise, it’s just not your time.” Jack assured, sounding so damned earnest that it almost hurt.

“If it wasn’t my time the why would I keep nearly dying?” Dean asked.

“Because you’re broken.” Jack said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You’re tired, you’ve given up.”

“Dean, what is he taking about?” Sam asked, Dean chanced a quick a look at his brother, seeing Eileen now sitting up on the edge of the other bed, watching the goings on with a curious eye.

“Nothing.” Dean said, letting his hands drop from where they had been on Jack’s shoulders.

“His soul is dying -“ Jack said to Sam before turning his attention back to Dean. “That’s why your body keeps trying to follow it.”

“Wait, your  _ soul _ is dying!? Dean!? Did you know this?” Sam asked, the man signing as he spoke so that his fiancée wasn’t out of the loop.

“No!... Maybe? I don’t know.” Dean shrugged, floundering to really find an answer to his brother’s question. Had he knows that his literal soul had been dying? No, not really. Had he known something was wrong? That something inside him had changed? Yes, absolutely. “Dude, I don’t even know how souls work okay!? Oh, don’t give me that look, it’s not like I sold is again or anything.” He sniped at Sam, who had gone full puppy dog eyes on him.

“Jack, what’s caused this?” Sam asked, Dean noticed Eileen in his periphery quickly sign something to his brother, Sam giving a little ‘ not now ’ kind of shake of his head in return. Dean fought the urge to roll his eyes, he knew what each of their names looked like in ASL, he knew what name Eileen had signed and they both knew damn well that Dean did  not want to talk about Cas.

“Souls are made stronger through the bonds you form with others, they grow as you grow. They grow as you love and learn and change, like a seed planted in dirt, in infancy it’s small, it knows very little.” Jack explained. “It’s part of the reason why newborns are highly sought after by demons, a soul that small is very easy to corrupt.” He looked at Sam, the large man managing not to squirm uncomfortably under the boy’s scrutiny. Jack was God now, of course he would know everything Chuck had put them through their entire lives. “The bigger the impact a person makes on another soul, the stronger the bond between the two people are. They’re drawn to one another, like magnets.”

“So, kinda like soulmates?” Sam asked.

“Somewhat, I’ve learned that human’s see soulmates as something due to a romantic entanglement. When the truth is, soulmates that are born out of romantic feelings are very rare. Most soulmates are within your own family, be it parent and child or siblings.”

“Are... are you saying that Dean and I are soulmates?” Sam asked incredulously, motioning between him and his brother with a wave of his hand. Dean had been oddly silent up to that point, instead the hunter stared off to the side, away from the other three people in the room. Sam could see the way his jaw had tightened, the tendons in his neck straining, Dean was fighting with something in his head and would no doubt explode at them momentarily.

“Dean is most certainly yours.” Jack nodded. “And for most of his life, you were Dean’s as well.”

“I’m not anymore?”

“Dean is rare...” Jack looked at the man in question, still sitting on the bed with him, probably too close in fact, especially if Dean decided to take a swing at someone. “Castiel, on the other hand -“

“Cas didn’t have a soul, he was an angel!” Dean snapped gruffly, cutting off Jack‘s words.

“Castiel was an anomaly, he had been given a soul, as accidental as that was, it still managed to weave itself into his grace, to grow, to become part of the very wavelength that made him who he was.” Jack smiled softly. “He was the most human angel to have ever existed.”

“How did Cas get a soul?” Eileen asked.

“I’m assuming when he was a human, right? When he fell?” Sam guessed.

“No, before that.” Jack said, speaking to the others although he was staring directly at Dean the entire time, the older man’s eyes shining in the low lamp light, unable to look away from the Nephilim turned God. “You’d not even known you’d done it, how could you have? You were so thankful as he laid his hand upon you and pulled you from the fires of damnation, that you bestowed a gift upon him, a piece of your soul.” He said to Dean. “It was something no one expected, not even Chuck. It’s why in this world Castiel truly never left you, no matter what he was ordered to do, no matter what you said to him, or he to you. No matter how many times you both had more than enough reason to walk away, when you both tried to walk away,you couldn’t, you were a part of him just as he was a part of you.” 

Dean finally managed to break eye contact with Jack, the man shoving away from the bed, getting out on the far side to be able to pace the small area by the door. He wiped at his face aggressively before running his hands through his hair, ignoring Sam saying his name multiple times. “Shut up Sammy!” He growled, anger boiling low in his gut. Rounding on the three in the room, he opened his mouth to speak only to suddenly gasp in agony, doubling over.

“Dean!?” Sam shouted, jumping up only to be held back by a quick thinking Eileen as Jack’s eyes began to glow, the boy moving to stand as he stared Dean down.

“No!” Dean ground out through clenched teeth. “Stop!” He demanded, looking over at Jack who seemed unwavering in his decision to repair Dean’s fractured soul. “I don’t want it! Stop!” Dean yelled as he dropped to his knees, his fingers digging into the ugly carpet of the motel room. “I don’t want it anymore!” It was such a startling clarity, one Dean had never expected to come to, let alone say aloud. He didn’t want his soul repaired, he wanted that emptiness. Call him a coward, call him a child, he didn’t care, just so long as he continued to not have to feel. The void, the hollowness inside him, it numbed the grief, the pain, the anger, it numbed it all. And that’s what he wanted, consequences be dammed. If it killed him, then it killed him, better dead than heartbroken. “STOP!” He screamed, falling to his side as a blinding light started to fill the room, burning hot, crackling along his skin causing goosebumps to breakout across his exposed upper body. Curling up against the agony blooming in his chest, he shut his eyes tightly, a sob bubbled up in his throat, everything he had not been feeling for the past year hit him like a freight train. He couldn’t breath, couldn’t see, couldn’t even think. Now all he could do was feel and it was too much, it was all too much. “Please.” He whispered, tears escaping his tightly shut eyelids.

“Jack! Jack stop it! He doesn’t want this, you’re hurting him!” Sam argued with the boy, Eileen’s small yet strong hands gripping his forearm tightly, he could tell that there would be bruises left in the shape of her slim fingers there the next day. “Jack, listen to me!” He shouted, God be dammed, he still raised the fucking kid! Jack’s attention snapped to the taller man, his eyes still glowing eerily before they began to slowly fade back to normal. As the glow eased so did the light in the room, allowing the two standing hunters to see Dean clearly again, only he wasn’t alone on the floor anymore. Laying on the carpet next to him, in a pair of cotton drawstring pants and loose top was Castiel. He was pale, bare foot and clearly as dazed as Dean was, breathing heavily. “Cas?” Sam whispered in shock, his mouth agape, Eileen’s hands tightening incrementally on his arm, although that seemed impossible considering the iron grip she already had on him.

“I fixed them.” Jack said simply, with his usual tone of slightly confused naïveté.

As the tidal wave of physical agony from his soul being stitched back together receded, Dean managed to crack his eyes open, his vision swimming. A blurry figure was only a few inches from his face, but it was difficult to make it out. He tried to force his arm to shift, to touch whatever was next to him, his limb felt like it was weighed down by lead. Finally his hand bumped into another, the skin warm against his still tingling fingertips. The other hand turned slowly, allowing his palm to slide perfectly into it, their fingers twisting together. “Ca... Cas?” He stumbled over the word, his voice hoarse and small. Even through the pull of exhaustion that tugged at the corners of his foggy mind, with his wavering unfocused vision, he knew that hand, they had saved one another too many times to not know the feel of the angel’s hand against his own. Cas, being unable to vocalize, just squeezed his hand in reply. It was him, he was back.

+*+*+*+*+

It took Sam and Jack barely any time to move the two unconscious men off the floor and onto the bed that Dean had been using during their hunt, the pair laying next to one another looking like they had both been dragged through hell, which considering who they were, was saying something. Eileen was currently using a cool wet cloth to wipe sweat from their faces, making sure both were breathing normally as Sam stood by the end of the bed, his arms crossed over his chest. “Okay, Jack, just start from the beginning, what happened? How long have you had Cas? Why didn’t you say anything?”

Jack sat on the edge of Sam and Eileen’s bed, looking like your typical kid and not at all like the all powerful deity that he now was. “I’ve had Castiel in Heaven for about six months.”

“Six months!?” Sam pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing, before he ran his hand through his long shaggy hair. “Why? Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you come to us? Come to  _ me _ ? We haven’t seen you in a year, Jack, and then you just show up with Cas?”

“I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know how to fix him, he was broken too. When I figured out how to get him out of the Empty, I didn’t realize that he wouldn’t wake up. It wasn’t until I saw Dean that I knew how to fix him, fix both of them.” Jack explained.

“How did you get him out?” Eileen asked, once she moved to stand next to Sam, taking the same crossed armed stance, they truly looked like parents staring down their guilty teenager.

“I made him human.”

“Wait, Cas is human now!?” Sam exclaimed, glancing over his shoulder at the man in question, noting his even breaths. Angels didn’t really have the need to breathe, Cas could only ever mimic it, helping him to fit in better. Also the fact that he was sleeping was a huge red flag, Cas didn’t sleep.

Jack just nodded. “The Empty is not meant to hold humans, it’s only as powerful as it is because it’s meant to hold powerful creatures. A human being held within it’s grasp is somewhat like a splinter under your skin, it’s not meant to be there, causing your body to reject it.”

“You made Cas human so that The Empty would basically spit him out?” Eileen questioned, the boy nodding once again. “But he wouldn’t wake up?” Jack shook his head. “Why?”

“That’s what I wanted to know, his body was fine, but his soul was weakening. I could see it fading and I didn’t know why, I thought perhaps it was because it needed his grace, but then I felt Dean dying. Which is when I showed up and once he was healed, I realized what was wrong. I saw his soul, it was fading out, broken and failing. But more importantly, it matched Castiel’s, they’re not just soulmates, they’re two people with one soul. To heal one, I needed to heal both. I knew once Dean’s soul was whole again, Castiel’s would brighten and he would awaken. Which is why I brought him here, because I was right.” Jack smiled, looking far too pleased to have figured out how to save his fathers.

Sam smiled gently, his heart melting over how damned much Jack wanted his family to be okay. “You did good.” He said as he moved to sit next to Jack on the bed, tossing an arm around his shoulders to give him a little sidelong hug. “You saved them, thank you.”

“Of course, you’re my fathers. Maybe Dean’s right, perhaps I am playing favourites a little bit, but I just want you guys to be happy.” Jack shrugged gently.

“We are.” Sam assured before pausing, glancing at his sleeping brother next to Cas. “Or, well, we’re working on it.” He amended.

+*+*+*+*+

The first thing Dean realized as he slowly woke up was the fact that it was the second damn time in less than twenty-four hours that he had passed the fuck out, talk about annoying! The second thing he noticed was the weight in the bed next to him, warm and firm against his side, shoulders and arms touching, knees bumping where they were slightly bent. He was on his back still, and whoever was next to him was clearly in the same type of position. Everything was all scrambled up in his head, he remembered going out on a hunt with Sam and Eileen, harpies; stupid bird bitches. He got hit, nearly gutted then... Jack? And pain, so much pain, shouting, tears, a white light and - “Cas?” He murmured, barely a sound on an exhale really, Dean cracked his eyes open slowly. The room wasn’t too dark, the first edges of dawn were just starting to lighten the sky outside the motel room, casting the room in a soft purple bloom as the night sky faded from black to blue to pink before the orange of daylight would eventually take over. He rolled onto his side carefully, not wanting to wake the man next to him. He had never had to share a bed with Cas, normally when it came to bunking down with people, it would be Sam, because they’d been doing that since childhood. But as he laid with his head on the uncomfortably lumpy motel pillow, watching the other man sleep, he felt a sense of serenity settle over him, like a puzzle piece was slotting into place, one he hadn’t even been aware he had been missing. Cas was in his bed, well not  _ his _ bed, but the bed he was borrowing for the moment, and it was good, it was felt right.

Reaching out with a tentative hand, he went to touch Cas’ face only to pull back at the last moment. Lifting his head a bit, he glanced around the room. Sam and Eileen were both asleep in the other bed and it seemed that they had gotten a cot from the motel staff, because at the foot of their beds, barely fitting thanks to the big ugly dresser, was Jack, snoring softly. Dean chuckled under his breath, a fondness for the kid radiating within his chest that he hated to admit, hadn’t always been there. Letting his head rest back against the pillow once again, he reached out and placed his hand on Cas’ shoulder, giving a firm squeeze. “Cas?” He spoke in a hushed tone, not wanting to wake anyone else at such an early hour, he loathed to even wake Cas, but he needed to know this wasn’t a dream. That the angel was back, that he was real and home, he needed to see those ocean blue eyes staring into his.

Cas made a little grumbling noise in the back of his throat that Dean refused to call adorable, even though it freaking was, as the other man slowly opened his eyes, blinking repeatedly like he was just realizing where he was. Which come to think of it, probably was exactly what was happening. “Hello, Dean.” He said, his voice gruff and low, the same as it had always been, only now it also held a slight scratch to it, like he hadn’t used his vocal cords in a long while.

“You’re real.” Dean was awed, his eyes stinging as he tried to fight back the wave of happy tears that threatened to choke him up.

“I believe so, yes.” Cas smiled softly, Dean’s grip on his shoulder tightening, fingers digging into the muscle under the soft cotton top he wore. Dean grinned, unable to stop the onslaught of tears as he pushed himself forward into Cas’ space and hugged him,essentially draping his upper body over Cas’ but Dean couldn’t find it within himself to feel awkward about it. Cas easily returned the hug, his strong hands warm and firm against the hunter’s back. Dean didn’t even care that he was topless and nearly laying on top of Cas, he just buried his face against Cas’ shoulder and wept as shuddering silent sobs caused his body to shake faintly.

Cas rubbed Dean’s back soothingly, tears spilled from his own eyes, leaving wet tracks down the side of his face. After what felt like forever as well as no time at all, Dean pulled back, looking sheepish, his sharp cheekbones turning a lovely shade of pink as he leaned back out of Cas’ personal space. He propped his arm up on the pillow, his head rested in his upturned hand as he looked at Cas, the other man turning onto his side so he could mirror Dean’s position. Even with three other people in the room sleeping, it felt weirdly intimate, just laying there, staring into one another’s eyes, something they had over a decade worth of practice at doing.

“You look different.” Dean finally said quietly, he could see a few grey hairs in Cas’s normally dark locks, laugh lines around his eyes and mouth and the start of small wrinkles across his forehead. Cas looked like he had aged, he looked like he was in his forties, just like Dean was, opposed to the immortal being of angelic powers he typically was.

“That’s because I am different, I’m human.” Cas replied, his tone just as quiet.

“What? But, how?” Dean asked, brows furrowed in confusion.

“Jack, he pulled me out of The Empty, he realized the only way to make it let me go was if I wasn’t an angel anymore.”

“Cas... I’m... I’m so sorry, I don’t even know what to say. I know that sorry doesn’t even cut it, I know how important your grace was to you.” Dean said.

“I’d rather be a human, out here with you. Than be an angel, trapped in there.” Cas said simply. “I would’ve come to you sooner, but I couldn’t wake up, I wanted too, so desperately. I could feel you dying inside, it made me wanna scream but my body wouldn’t work.”

Dean looked down at the mattress, at the scratchy off white sheet covering it, their free hands laying in the space between their bodies. With just the slightest shift of his fingers, he could linked them with Cas’ but he didn’t. Instead he just stared at their hands that were so nearly touching, yet still too far apart. Guilt was welling up inside him, this was his fault, again. “You couldn’t wake up because of me.” Dean managed to say, his throat threatening to close up completely as he powered through it. “Jack said I was broken, that my soul was dying. I was letting it, Cas, I wanted it to die because it was easier than feeling. Because I was a coward, a coward who couldn’t face what I was feeling and because of that I nearly killed you.” He looked up into Cas’ eyes once more, his own forest green gaze shining in the slowly climbing light of the dawn that was sweeping through the motel room’s window. “I didn’t know, Cas. I didn’t know that my soul and your soul were the same, I didn’t even know I had given you a part of it. Had I known, I never would’ve given up, not like that.”

“You couldn’t have known.” Cas assured, reaching out with his free hand to cup Dean’s face, the hunter acutely aware of the intimacy of such a gesture. They hadn’t even spoken about their last moments together, yet there he was, Cas cupping his face like a lover, his thumb lightly sweeping against Dean’s cheekbone in an seemingly unconscious movement. “I didn’t even really know myself, I knew I was different, that much was clear. And I knew it was because of you, but I just thought it was because of everything you had shown me and taught me. I couldn’t see my own soul, no one can, had I been able too, I would’ve recognized it as being a part of you. Looking back, I think that’s probably why the other angels always pointed out my fealty to you. They could see, perhaps not with the clarity that Jack can, but they could see that you had somehow left a mark on me, the same way I had left a mark on you.”

Dean reached up with a trembling hand and placed it over the one Cas had against his face, gripping it firmly, not allowing Cas to pull it away from where it laid against his cheek. “Cas, I need you to know... I love you. You’re part of my family and the best friend I’ve ever had, but more than that, you’re my heart. And I tried to tell you, so many times I tried to tell you. When you were under Naomi’s control, and then in purgatory,  both times. So many times over the years I tried to tell you, tried to show you, but I was so scared that saying it would make losing you harder.” Dean’s voice wavered, cracking as he spoke in a low tone, but he didn’t care. It was like a knife had been yanked from his chest and now all he could do was watch as the truth bled from him, unable to stop it, not wanting to stop it. “But it didn’t, you not knowing how I felt, it made losing you even worse. And each time... each time you came back I would tell myself that I wouldn’t let you go again, not without you knowing. But then I just never did, the words were stuck in the back of my throat and ever time I opened my mouth to say them, nothing would come out. I didn’t... I didn’t realize how much I was hurting you with that silence until the last time, until The Empty took you. Because you said the one thing you wanted you couldn’t have and it killed me, it killed me because I just wanted to scream that you could, you could have it because you already did. But it was too late, you took those three words that I could never manage to say, you took them right out of my mouth and then left with them. And I was  so angry, angry at myself, angry at you. But more... more than anything, I was just done. Because I need you, Cas, I always will.” A tear slowly trailed down Dean’s face, he could feel the dampness catch on his and Cas’ fingers that were pressed against his cheek. “I love you so much, Cas. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everythi-“ Dean’s words were cut off by the gentle press of Cas’ lips against his own, the kiss chaste but warm and insistent at the same time. It was a clear ‘ _ shut up ,  Dean _ ’ but a loving one, so Dean was okay with it.

“I love you.” Cas whispered once he pulled back only to rest his forehead against Dean’s, their eyes closed as they basked in each other’s presence. “And you are forgiven, always. Just as you forgave me, of course I forgive you.” Dean couldn’t stop the smile that graced his features, he moved his head back so he could look Cas in the eyes, his hand moving to cup the former angel’s face opposed to resting atop of the one Cas had against his own.

“Fresh start?” He asked, staring at the beautiful man before him, the early daylight casting a shine around Cas that Dean swore made him look more angelic than ever before, a halo of natural light surrounding him from where it was streaming through the window.

“No.” Cas said with a fond smile. “I would never want to act as if what wewent through never happened, for we were the most real things in a world of falsehoods. Shall we just call it - a delayed start?”

Dean chuckled softly, really it was more of a gentle snorting noise than anything else, but no less joyful than full boisterous laughter. “I can get behind that.” He agreed, leaning in to kiss Cas again only to be pulled into a much more heated one, the former angel tugging the hunter until he was draped over him once again, this time with a leg wedged between Cas’, his hands threaded through Cas’ dark hair as the other man clutched at Dean’s back. The hunter licked into Cas’ mouth, pulling a small contented sigh from the former angel as he deepened the kiss.

The two men were so wrapped up in one another that they didn’t hear the movement in the rest of the room, rustling and gentle giggles coming from the other beds. It wasn’t until someone pointedly cleared their throat that the pair paused, looking to their right to find Sam playfully glaring at them from over Eileen’s shoulder where he was laying, being the big spoon. The woman in question was barely containing an amused smirk, looking completely at ease where she was laid against Sam’s bare chest, one of his long arms still draped over her tiny waist. “Keep it in your pants until we get home, you two.” Sam grouched, although his tone held no real heat to it, he was barely able to speak without smiling, the joy in the room palpable.

“Morning, Cas.” Eileen said, a teasing lilt to her tone.

“Good morning.” Cas replied, not even caring that he was still beneath a very dishevelled looking Dean. The hunter going to move only to fall forward against Cas with a surprised grunt as Jack jumped onto the pair, glee in his voice as he welcomed both back, Cas especially.

“Jesus!” Dean groaned, trying to wiggle out from under the overly excited God who was trying to hug both him and Cas at the same time.

“Nope, just Jack.” The boy said with a grin, which ended with all of his parents laughing far too loudly for such an early morning hour, joy bursting forth from inside an ugly motel room at the Missouri stare line.

+*+*+*+*+

They still had the harpies to worry about, that was until Jack assured the hunters that he had taken care of it and that the creatures had been moved to a more agreeable place for them to live. It was with that information that Eileen decided that she and Jack would go out and grab breakfast before the group hit the road, Jack had asked if he could stick around for a while. He missed being home and Heaven was more or less settled, he could keep an ear out for any problems. The angels he had working up there were highly trusted, Cas agreed once learning their names, which meant that Jack could be less hands on. It was exactly what the universe needed, Chuck had been  too hands on, pulling every string, choosing every plot, poking every wound. Jack just wanted people to be happy, to have freedom in both life and death. So Sam and Dean packed while, the other two were out getting food and Cas took a much needed shower, the sound of the running water a comforting weight in the small room.

“It should only take a little under four hours to get home.” Dean said as he stuffed his things into his duffle, Sam looking under the beds to make sure none of his brother’s crap had slipped beneath either when Eileen had pushed everything off his bed the day before.

“I know.” Sam said, pushing up from his crouched position to sit on the edge of the bed he and Eileen had been sharing, he stared at his brother’s back as Dean continued to carelessly put his belongings away.

“What dude?” Dean asked, not even bothering to look over his shoulder, he could feel Sam’s eyes on him.

“So, you and Cas, eh?” 

That got Dean to look over his shoulder, arching his eyebrows at the younger man. “After all that crap Jack said yesterday, are you really surprised?”

Sam laughed quietly as he gave a fond shake of his head. “Man, even if Jack hadn’t explained about you guys sharing a soul, my surprise level would’ve been at a minus zero. I’m just shocked that you’re being so... nonchalant about it? You and your feelings have never been on the best of speaking terms, plus you’re not exactly out.”

Dean completed ignored the shot at him about his emotional constipation, instead moving onto the next part of Sam’s comment that caught his attention. “Out? What the hell are you talking about?” Dean turned to face his brother completely, arms crossed over his chest.

“Yeah, out, like out of the closet? About being bisexual, liking dudes, all that stuff.” Sam said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world and really, it kinda was.

Dean swallowed, his mouth suddenly sticky. He reached up to rub at the back of his neck, a blush peppering his cheeks as he suddenly found a spot on the carpet very interesting. “How, um, how long have you known?” 

“Well...” Sam sighed. “There is your obsession with Dr. Sexy, young Harrison Ford, your cowboy kink -“

“Hey, fuck you.” Dean said quickly, looking up his brother, only to catch Sam smirking at him which made Dean roll his eyes, he totally played into his brother’s hands there.

“There was also you and Cas, I mean you’ve been acting like an old married couple for over a decade. And then there were a few times in bars where I noticed you head into the bathroom at the same time as other guys.”

“People go into public bathrooms at the same time, Sammy.”

“I’ve never had a girl lead me anywhere by my belt loop that didn’t end in a blow job, okay.” Sam fixed Dean with one of his classic bitch stares. “Taking a piss in a bar’s bathroom is one thing, but when the guy in front of you is leading you by your belt loop, I know something else is going to happen.”

Dean snorted, his face feeling like it was flaming hot, which meant it must have been terribly flushed. “Touché.” He muttered, looking off to the side.

“But I think the first time I realized that you weren’t a hundred percent into girls, was Lewis Chapman.”

“Who?”

“Lewis Chapman, you were sixteen, I think, it was one of the few times we stayed somewhere long enough to go to school...” Sam trailed off, waiting to see if Dean remembered what he was talking about. It took a moment, but he soon saw the realization dawn on his brother’s face.

“Holy fuck, I remember him. Lewis, he was a lacrosse player, had  great arms.” Dean recalled, sounding a little wistful about the memory. Sam chuckled gently, smiling. “How did you know about that?” Dean asked.

“I caught you two making out, I was coming to tell you that dad was pulling up and saw you and him kissing.”

Dean’s face screwed up at the memory, lips twisting in a little frown. “You broke a lamp.”

“Yep.”

“Dad was pissed, really laid into me for not keeping an eye on you.”

“Better than the beating you would’ve gotten had he caught you making out with a dude.” Sam shrugged.

“You telling me you broke it on purpose?” Sam just gave another shrug, still smiling warmly at his brother. “Jesus Christ, I’m pretty sure I called you stupid or something, why didn’t you tell me? I thought we just got really lucky that I had a dumb little brother who decided to play with a tennis ball inside, Lewis slipped out of the window like right before dad came in. All this time, you had been covering for my ass.”

“Well, you always looked out for me, I figured it was time I did something for you.” Sam said like it hadn’t been a huge thing he had done, because they both knew had John caught Dean kissing another boy, that Dean would’ve ended up with more than just a slap upside the head. “Besides I knew he was wrong, caring about who people liked or loved, it was wrong. I remember Bobby calling him out on that one night after a bunch of hunters had met about some case, pretty sure there was a lesbian couple there, I was listening from the stairs, dad was rude and said some fucked up shit. Bobby called him a bigot and an idiot after they all left, said that if dad ever used those words in his place again that he would kick the crap out of him. I was just a kid so it was really simple for me, if Bobby was for it and dad was against it, that meant Bobby was right and dad was wrong.” Sam chuckled. “So when I saw you kissing another boy, all I thought was; Bobby would protect him, so I knew I had to as well.”

Dean sniffled, clearing his throat gruffly as he stepped forward, waving his brother toward him. “Come here you idiot.” Sam laughed as he stood, easily leaning in to hug his brother tightly. “Thank you.” Dean muttered, if he voice cracked with emotion, neither man called attention to it.

“We got pancakes!” Jack’s overly bright voice cut through the brothers moment as the motel door banged open, Dean and Sam separating to look at the returning boy, smiling, Eileen followed close behind Jack. No one mentioned Dean’s glassy eyes, which he was thankful for as they all sat down for breakfast, Cas joining them after his shower. He had borrowed a pair of Dean’s jeans that were just a tad too tight across his thighs and ass, while the soft worn black t-shirt fit better, it still pulled a bit more snug across the ribcage area on Cas than it did on the hunter. Dean had to admit to himself, that seeing Cas in his clothes caused a warmth to bloom in his chest. A warmth that for once in his life he didn’t bother to try and stamp down, because he wasn’t scared anymore, he had no reason to be.

+*+*+*+*+

The ride back to the bunker was uneventful and surprisingly nice, it was a bright day, the sun warmed the wind that blew through the Impala’s opened windows. Dean drove, of course, Sam was shotgun. Eileen, Jack and Cas were in the back. The radio was belting out classic rock, Dean tapped along in time with the music against the steering wheel. Sam was working on his phone, keeping the new network of American based hunters up to date on open cases across the county, it would be easier to keep things on track once Charlie finished making the app for it she was working on. In the backseat, Eileen was playing Rock Paper Scissors with Jack, managing to win quite a few times which was surprising considering Jack’s powers. Cas just sitting quietly in the back behind Dean’s seat, a peaceful smile on his face. Dean glanced in the rear view mirror, catching the former angel’s eye. Smiling brightly, Dean reached back over his shoulder with one of his hands, Cas not even hesitating to take it. Dean’s smile turned into a full blown grin, the man tugging Cas’ hand forward a bit so he could turn his head and place a quick kiss on the other man’s knuckles. Turned out happiness, family and a sunny day made a four hour drive feel like nothing at all.

+*+*+*+*+

At the bunker Dean had to admit that he expected having both Cas and Jack back after more than a year without them would feel odd, for what felt like too long it had just been him, Sam, Miracle and eventually Eileen when she and Sam decided to take their relationship to the next step. Sam had proposed less than six months after the woman had moved in with them, Dean was honestly over the moon for his brother but had always felt a little jealous. Sam kept finding love and finally had the chance to settle down with the person who really was his perfect match. All the while Dean was left with nothing but a shattered heart and a dying soul, not that he had known about the soul thing at the time, not really. So in his mind it really should’ve felt at least a little awkward to have the now former angel as well as the childlike God back home, Jack especially acting like he had never left. But it wasn’t, it was perfect and while Dean expected to feel wary about it, instead he just felt elated. Which was scary, his whole life Dean had seen that happiness came with a price, case in point, Castiel. But that had all been Chuck’s doing, with Jack in charge, it seemed like happiness was the whole point. That all Jack truly wanted for anyone, was for them to just  _ be _ . So for once in his life Dean did not look a gift horse in the mouth, instead he took it, held it close and revelled in it.

It wasn’t necessarily late when everyone turned in for the night, barely past nine o’clock, but the last twenty-four hours had been emotionally exhausting so when everyone started to bid one another a goodnight, no one really questioned it. Dean grabbed a quick shower before heading into his room only to pause when he found it empty, why had he expected Cas to be there? His heart sank a bit, sure they had kinda talked about their feelings and had admittedly been very touchy the rest of the day, but it’s not like they had spoke about what they were to one another now that everything was out in the open. Dean had just sort of assumed, like always, that Cas would be there. He sat on the edge of his bed, head in his hands as his mind swirled with self-doubt and worries before he finally stood, ignoring the voice in his head that told him that he was worthless and loveless, that voice was a piece of shit, which was no doubt why it always kind of sounded like his father. Steeling himself against whatever possible outcome his offer of cohabitation might bring, Dean marched out of his room and headed down the hall to where Cas was staying. It wasn’t until he knocked on the door that he realized that he was in his pyjamas, which was nothing more than a pair of soft fleece pants and his bare chest, his hair still slightly damp from the shower. 

When Cas pulled open the door, toothbrush still in his mouth, Dean felt like all the air in his lungs had been stolen. Cas was wearing just a simple pair of dark blue boxer briefs, Dean’s that he had borrowed that morning, and a shirt that had to have been Sam’s considering the length of it, the hem stopping at his mid thigh. His hair was dishevelled, like he had run his hands through it multiple times and he had just the slightest bit of toothpaste on the corner of his mouth. Honestly, no one had the right to look so damned sexy while getting ready for bed. “Dean?” Cas said, pulling his toothbrush out of his mouth, managing to break Dean out of his slack jawed stare.

“Uh, sorry!” Dean said quickly, shaking his head. “Can I come in?” He asked, Cas just stepped back to allow the hunter to enter the room before quickly headed over to the sink to rinse and clean his mouth as well as put his toothbrush away. Dean looked around, the room looked the same as it always did, bare, impersonal, nothing about it screamed ‘Cas’ even though it had always been where Cas stayed when he lived at the bunker. That had been one of the hardest things for Dean when he had lost the angel, was the fact that he would go into the room and not see a damned thing in it that reminded him of the man he loved. “Are you okay?” Cas asked, noticing Dean looking around the room.

“Yeah, I was just realizing that we need to get you some stuff. Not just clothes and shoes and stuff like that, but like... decor? Knick knacks? It’s so impersonal in here.” Dean said, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, the boring and unoriginal bed that matched every other bed in every other room that wasn’t Dean’s, Sam’s or Jack’s. “God this mattress sucks.” Dean muttered, bouncing on it gently, the bed beneath him squeaking as he did.

“It’s a perfectly adequate mattress, if a bit too firm.” Castiel said with a little shrug from where he was leaning his butt against the sink, his hands gripping the edge of it by his hips like he was worried he would float away if he let go.

“Adequate is not the word you wanna use when describing a mattress, bud. I have memory form, you know what that means? It literally remembers the shape of your ass.”

A small smile tugged at the corner of Cas’ lips. “I’m sure your sciatic nerve is thankful for that.”

“It could be good for your sciatic nerve too.” Dean offered, sounding almost bashful, which in and of itself was a rarity for Dean. 

“My sciatic nerve is fine, although I have only been a fully conscious human for less than a day, perhaps in a week or so I’ll start to experience the aches and pains of being a human male in his mid forties.” Cas rattled off easily, which just made Dean snort under his breath, clearly amused. Cas canted his head to the side, narrowing his eyes like he always did when he realized that he hadn’t fully grasped a human concept. “Did I say something funny?” He asked.

“Cas -“ Dean stood, moving towards the other man. “That was me offering you the option of staying in my room with me... in my bed.” Dean explained, stopping before Cas, Dean breaking the rule about personal space for the second time that day.

“Well, why didn’t you just say so?” Cas replied, brows furrowed.

Smiling, Dean reached up and ran the pad of his thumb over the creases on Cas’ forehead, smoothing out the clear worry and confusion there. “I’m saying so now.” Dean said, placing both his hands on Cas’ hips, the former angel quickly grabbing Dean’s wrists, deciding he was a much better thing to hold onto than the edge of the sink. “Come stay with me, please?”

“For... tonight?” Cas asked shyly, looking up at Dean through his dark eyelashes.

“Or forever?” Dean offered.

“I didn’t want to presume.”

“Cas, I love you, I’m  _** in ** _ love with you. And it’s been over twelve years since we started this song and dance -“ Castiel once again looked slightly confused. “Pretending something romantic isn’t there between us when there clearly is.” Dean explained the idiom before giving Cas’ hips a little squeeze. “Point is, it’s been long enough, don’t you think it’s time to presume a little?” Cas smiled at Dean’s words, a bright gorgeous smile that Dean wanted to take a picture of and look at every day for the rest of his damn life. With a happy little sigh, he leaned in, Cas meeting him half way as the pair kissed. It was a simple kiss, quick and sweet. “Come on.” Dean whispered against Cas’ lips before taking a small step back, grasping the other man’s hand so he could tug him gently towards the door, the two quickly leaving the bare and almost sterile bedroom behind and heading back towards Dean’s much more welcoming one, with its various touches of personality and warmth and home.

+*+*+*+*+

With the door behind them firmly latched, Dean turned to look at Castielwho was gingerly sitting on the edge of the bed. “That can be your side.” Dean said, motioning with a nod to left side of the bed that Cas was currently perched on.

“We have sides?” Cas asked as he scooted father onto the bed, moving so that he was sitting against the headboard, legs stretched out before him. Dean couldn’t help but smile as he watched Cas wiggle his toes, seemingly realizing that yes, Dean’s mattress was in fact much better than the one that had been in the other room.

“Well, we do now.” Dean grinned, moving around to the right side, crawling across the mattress so that he was kneeling next to Cas.

“Dean, what are we doing?” The former angel asked suddenly, his bright blue eyes locking onto Dean’s emerald ones, staring right through him like he always seemed to do. Even without his mojo, it was like Cas could still see right into the very core of Dean Winchester, making the hunter feel like his skin was tingling, his blood on fire.

“Wh - what do you mean?”

“Are we entering into some sort of dalliance? A long term relationship? A courtship? I must admit, I don’t understand completely where we are - figuratively, at least. I know where we are physically, and emotionally we seem to understand each other but there’s something more, it’s like something in my head is telling me I need to know more.”

“You need a word, a label for what we are, what we’re doing together.” Dean said, understanding.

“Yes, I guess that’s it. There’s a fear, like if there isn’t a word for it then it’s... it’s not real.”

“Hey, it’s real.” Dean said, placing a hand on Cas’ arm, doing his hardest to keep his expression as open and honest as possible, no longer forcing himself to lock his truths away behind a cold and angry facade. “You once told me that we were real, and I didn’t listen to you then when I should’ve. And I’m sorry, there’s so much I’m sorry for, but I can promise you we are real,  _ this _ is real.” Dean assured. “But if you need a word for it...” Dean smirked as he shifted to toss a leg over Cas’ so that he was straddling his thighs, the other man’s hands instinctually grabbing Dean’s bare waist as Dean linked his hands together loosely at the nape of Cas’ neck, forearms resting on his broad shoulders. “How about... boyfriends?” Dean asked, leaning in to kiss up Cas’ neck toward his ear, the former angel letting out a little breathy sigh, tilting his head back a bit to give Dean more room. “Partners?” Another kiss. “Lovers?” Yet another kiss. “Soulmates.” Dean whispered against Cas’ ear, nipping gently at the lobe, causing Cas’ whole body to jolt at the feeling. “You’re my person, Cas. My angel, my forever.” He breathed against the shell of Cas’ ear, shifting his hips a bit forward, emboldened by the half hard erection that Castiel was now sporting in his boxers.

“Technically, I’m not an angel anymore.” Cas breathed out raggedly.

Dean lifted his head from where he had started to work a lovely little hickey into the skin beneath Castiel’s ear, meeting his gaze and giving a gentle squeeze to the back of Cas’ neck. “You’ll always be my angel.” He said, his tone loving but firm enough that it was clear that he wasn’t going to allow Cas to fight him about that fact. “You always have been, you always will be, mojo or not.”

Cas smiled brightly, running his hands along Dean’s back in a soothing almost petting manner. “I love you so much.”

Dean grinned. “I’m never going to get tired of hearing that.” He leaned forward to capture Cas’ lips in a heated kiss, allowing himself to be pulled even closer by Cas’ hands. “I love you too, fuck, I love you, I love you.” Dean mumbled against Cas’ mouth, like he couldn’t say the words enough. Maybe he couldn’t, it had been so long that he denied his feelings for his best friend that now that he could say it out loud, he never wanted to stop. With a little moan, Cas opened his mouth to allow Dean to deepen the kiss, tongues gliding along one another, exploring each other’s mouths. It was all passion and heat and years of want, boiled down into one single kiss, the pair gripping one another more and more ferociously, like they were worried the other would suddenly disappear. 

Breaking for air, Dean’s chest heaving, he looked into Cas’ eyes only to see the same level of lust and unbridled want that he was sure were in his own. With a little growl, he tugged at Castiel’s borrowed shirt, the pair working to yank it up and off before tossing it somewhere to the side. “Fuck, there’s so much I wanna do to you, wanna do  with you.” Dean groaned as he leaned in to press wet opened mouth kisses across Cas’ clavicle, lapping at the hollow of his throat.

With a surprised yelp that Dean would deny was him should anyone ask, the hunter quickly found himself flipped onto his back, Cas now over him with a wicked smirk. “We have all the time in the world to do everything and anything we’d like, but right now all I want more than anything is to watch you come.”

Dean felt like the groan was literally gut punched out of him, his cock jumping at the sound of Cas’ deep gravelly voice talking about Dean coming. “Oh fuck, who taught you to talk like that?” He nearly moaned, dragging Cas down into a quick and filthy kiss.

“You.” Cas said with a little quirk of an eyebrow once they parted, Dean huffing out a low laugh. “For years I’ve wanted to see what you looked like in the throws of ecstasy, what you sounded like, how gorgeous you would look, back arched, face twisted up in rapture at the most base human experience.” Castiel said as he kissed his way down Dean’s chest, stopping to lap and tug at each of his nipples, causing Dean to moan wantonly at both the words and sensations. “I barely ever let myself think about it otherwise my mind would be useless for hours, but now? Now I can have it.”

“Then take it.” Dean breathed, one hand gripping Cas’ shoulder tightly, sure to leave bruises, the other twisted up in the covers beneath them.

“I intend too.” Cas whispered, breath ghosting across Dean’s lower abdomen, just under his bellybutton before the hunter felt the waistband of his pants being tugged down. Opening his eyes, which he hadn’t even realized he had closed, he looked down his body to watch as Cas slowly peeled the fabric of his pants down just far enough to allow his hard cock to spring free, it slapping wetly against his pubis. Cas shifted then, straddling Dean’s lower legs before glancing up at the hunter. “Fuck you’re gorgeous.” Dean breathed softly, Cas just smiling at him sweetly before bowing down to tentatively lap at the head of Dean’s cock. A shuddering moan and exhale was all the response Cas got, which he knew was not what he wanted, he wanted complete lack of control. So with that in mind, he pulled out every trick he had learned from watching what was probably  too much pornography in the late hours of the night, back when he was left alone while the humans in his charge slept. It was all research to Castiel, because he had known that if he ever had the chance to be with Dean, he would want to make it good. And while there were some things one could not learn from watching a scripted sexual encounter, giving a blow job was.

Cas began to tease Dean with gusto, coaxing him to full hardness by running his tongue up the underside of Dean’s cock, tracing the thick vein as he did. He mouthed along the sides, suckled at the head and played with the frenulum using the tip of his tongue. Dean quickly became a quivering moaning mess, his hands gripping the fabric of the duvet beneath them to the point that his knuckles began to whiten from the strain. Cas placed one of his hands on Dean’s hip, splaying his fingers wide, using just the right amount of pressure to keep the hunter beneath him from jerking up before he finally slid his mouth down Dean’s weeping cock, moaning at the taste of him. 

“Oh fuck! Fuck! Cas!” Dean moaned loudly, uncaring of how the sounds might carry down the echoey halls of the bunker. All he could focus on was the tight wet suction of Castiel’s mouth, the firm pressure of the former angels hand against his hip and the way Cas was using his other hand to stroke what bit of Dean’s cock he couldn’t fit in his mouth, moving his tight fist in time with each bob of his head. Dean had gotten a lot of blow jobs in his life, given quite a few as well. But there was just something about the fact that it was Cas, a former angel of the fucking lord, that was currently sucking his dick that made everything feel so much more surreal. Dean had already been to hell, a couple of times in fact, but he knew that if he ended up back there for the corruption of a heavenly servant he would happily go, because the wanton and debauched sounds Cas was making as he quickly became accustom to not only giving head but thoroughly enjoying it as well, was the most pleasuring form of corruption than Dean had ever known. 

Cas attempted to take Dean’s cock deeper into this mouth a few times, his throat constricting around it with each attempt, nearly causing him to gag but the former angel would not be deterred. On his fourth attempt, he managed to figure out what muscles he needed to relax to be able to take Dean all the way into his throat, moaning happily as he removed his hand from the base of Dean’s erection and just enjoyed the way it jumped and twitched against his tongue and throat. “Oh fuck!!” Dean shouted, desperately wanting to just thrust up into that inviting mouth, Cas deep throating him had put him on the razors edge, he could feel his balls drawing up against his body, a pleasurable tightening in his groin. “Cas... ugh, fuck! I’m gonna come!” He warned, reaching out a hand blindly to try and grip at Cas’ hair in an attempt to pull him off. Instead Cas just grabbed his hand, threading their fingers together before pressing their joint hands against Dean’s belly. 

Dean managed to look down at the former angel quickly, their eyes meeting and then he was coming with a deep groan. He tossed his head back, neck on display as he pushed against the pillow beneath him, his shoulders digging down hard against the mattress as his body attempted to bow in ecstasy. Cas’ hands kept Dean from thrusting too much up into his mouth, he had smartly pulled back when Dean started to come, both so he could watch the hunter fall apart, as well as to not gag due to Dean’s involuntary attempts to thrust into his mouth as he chased the pleasure of his orgasm.

Cas hummed contentedly as he slowly pulled off of Dean’s softening cock, hollowing his cheeks for a torturously tight suction as he did, Dean moaning softly at the painful pleasure of overstimulation, his whole body giving a little shudder as Cas lapped at the head of his cock a couple times before he finally decided that he was done. Castiel then moved up to lay next to Dean, managing to untangle their hands so he could run one through Dean’s sweaty hair, leaning in to kiss along the hunter’s neck.

Dean wiggled one arm under the former angel so he could tug him closer against his side, humming happily at the feel of the man slotted up next to him, leaving wet sucking kisses along Dean’s skin. “Was that satisfactory?” Cas asked lowly against the shell of Dean’s ear, his voice more wrecked sounding than usual and considering he normally sounded like he was a three pack a day smoker who gargled with gravel in the mornings, that was really saying something. 

Dean let out a laugh, turning his head on the pillow to look at Cas. “Satisfactory? Yeah, Cas, I’d say it was satisfactory.” He smiled. “Honestly, I think it was the best damn blow job I’ve ever gotten.”

“High praise.”

Dean narrowed his eyes at Cas playfully. “Did you just low key call me a slut?”

“Perhaps.” Cas smirked, which just made Dean laugh loudly, the hunter pulling him in for a languid kiss.

“Did you swallow?” Dean asked once he pulled back.

“Did you not want me too?”

“I never said that, in fact it’s fucking hot, just not everyone likes to, so I wasn’t expecting it. But then again I wasn’t expecting you to go deep throating me either, you’re full of surprises aren’t you?” Dean smirked.

“Haven’t I always been?” Cas teased.

“I think I like these ones the best out of all of them.” Dean grinned before pushing up to be able to sit against the headboard as he wriggled out of his pants completely, kicking them away with his feet. “Now -“ Dean started, grasping at Cas, who had be watching him with a curious eye. Dean pulled at the former angel until he got with the program and not only slipped out of his borrowed boxer briefs, but allowed Dean to draw him up into his lap so that he was straddling the hunter’s thighs, much like Dean had been doing to him earlier. “Hot wings, I think we have something else to deal with here.” He leaned in for a quick kiss only to have Cas to pull back. “What?”

“Absolutely not.” Cas said, at Dean’s confused look, he sighed. “You will not call me hot wings.”

Dean chuckled brightly, loving the adorable little frown Cas had at the silly pet name. “Whatever you say, sunshine.” Dean promised, watching how quickly Cas’ frown morphed into a bright smile at the sweeter pet name. Dean originally hadn’t even meant to call Cas ‘sunshine’ the first time it had happened years ago, in front of Sam of all people. But when his brother didn’t seem to care or feel like teasing him about it, Dean just sort of kept using it, especially when it became clear that the former angel genuinely liked it. “I think it’s time I get to see you relish in the most base human experience, don’t you think?” Dean said, pitching his voice low and sultry, nipping lightly the hinge of Cas’ jaw before moving his face down Cas’ neck to continue working on the hickey he had started earlier, the former angel sighing contentedly, tilting his head back and closing his eyes, just enjoying the feel of Dean’s mouth and hands on his skin. 

Dean shifted his legs so that he could bend them at the knee, planting his feet firmly against the mattress which caused Cas to slip farther forward in his lap, the former angel leaning back against the hunter’s legs as Dean continued to kiss down his chest, stopping to lap at his nipples, Cas jumping slightly at the feeling. Dean continued to toy with them, sucking and tugging at them with his teeth until both nipples were hard reddened peaks. Cas letting out little breathy moans the whole time, writhing slightly in his lap. Dean pulled back a bit to blow along the nipple he had just had in his mouth, watching as the spit dried, goosebumps breaking out along Cas’ skin and a shiver ran through his body. “You sensitive, baby?” He asked, although he clearly already knew the answer if Cas’ reactions to his ministrations was any indication. The former angel just nodded, biting his bottom lip, a blissed out expression on his tipped back face. “I can’t wait to find other places that cause you to shiver like that.” Dean mumbled against the other man’s skin, nipping gently against his upper right ribs, which got a little hum of a noise from Cas. “Bet you would shake like a leaf if I rimmed you.” He whispered, running his nose up the center of Cas’ chest and along his neck until he tilted his own head up to kiss just under Cas’ chin. “Would you let me do that, angel? Would you want to feel me eat your ass? Get you nice and wet with my tongue before I fingered you open, hmm?”

“F - fuck.” Cas stuttered, hands clutching tightly at Dean’s shoulders.

Dean grinned wolfishly, humming appreciatively, he loved it when Cas swore, it was so rare. “That’s what I thought.” Dean murmured, lifting his face from where he had it against Cas’ neck. He quickly licked a slick line of saliva up the center of his right palm, promptly reaching down to wrap his hand around Cas’ leaking cock, giving it a few gentle teasing strokes, swirling his thumb around the head, gathering up the dripping precome and smearing it along Cas’ shaft, adding to the already sleek wet pull of skin against skin. It didn’t take long for him to get a good rhythm going, a tight downstroke with a looser upstroke, a sharp twist of the wrist around the head, thumb pushing up just right against the underside of the glands. 

Cas quickly became a quivering and panting mess, his head no longer tipped back, instead he rested his forehead against Dean’s, moaning softly in the hunter’s face. His hands tightened and released again and again on Dean’s shoulders, almost like he was massaging them. His hips twitched forward with every downstroke, wanting to fuck into Dean’s hand but clearly holding back. “It’s okay, sunshine, no need to hold back, I’ve got you.” Dean assured softly. “You don’t need to be scared anymore, I’m gonna make you feel so good baby, let me take care of you.” Cas moaned louder, his body shaking harder before he leaned in for a rough kiss, moving to grip the back of Dean’s neck as he did.

“Oh, Dean! Fuck! It feels so good!” Cas moaned loudly once the kiss broke, Dean smiling brightly.

“There we go, that’s right angel, come on, enjoy yourself.” The hunter said before he slipped his left pointer finger into his mouth, sucking on it lewdly for a few seconds. Cas’ eyes seemed locked on what Dean was doing to his finger, panting as he rocked up into Dean’s perfect hand, chasing the boiling pleasure he could feel spreading through his groin. It was so good, too good, he had only had sex once before and masturbated a handful of times. The act of climaxing those times had been curious and somewhat uncomfortable, at the time he was sure that he had done something wrong. Thought perhaps because he was an angel that he just couldn’t experience the supposed bliss that an orgasm could bring, although he had been human when he had sex with April and while that had ended with him being tortured and murdered, up until that point it had been... alright. Castiel now knew that what he had really needed was Dean, not just because of their connection, but because he felt safe in the hunter’s arms. He could be in such a vulnerable state with Dean because he knew he that Dean would be there to catch him afterward, it was that knowledge that allowed Cas to truly give into the raw want that ran through his body.

When Dean removed his spit soaked finger from his mouth, Cas didn’t even bother to ask what he was going to do with it, he just wanted more of Dean touching him. So when he felt that wet digit push between his ass cheeks and drag along his hole, he couldn’t stop the loud groan that was forced from his throat. Dean sped up his hand, jerking Cas off with more vigour as he gently prodded at the former angel’s tight virgin hole until he was able to slip the tip of of his finger in past the first ring of muscle. Castiel shouted out, his hips stuttering. “Come for me Cas, I wanna see it, want feel it on me baby.” Dean coaxed as he fucked Cas shallowly with his finger, twisting his wrist on ever upstroke of his right hand.

“Fuck!” Cas moaned, tossing his head back once again. “Dean! I’m - ” He couldn’t even get the words out before he was coming, semen splattering Dean’s chest in thick ropes, a few drops even hitting the hunter’s neck. He vaguely heard Dean muttering filthy endearments under his breath as he milked Cas’ orgasm from him until the former angel was shivering and whimpering from overstimulation.

Carefully, Dean eased his finger out of Cas and released his grip on his quickly wilting erection. He helped lay Cas down onto the bed next to him, chuckling when the former angel whined because Dean had rolled to the side of the bed instead of curling up next to him. “I’m just grabbing something to clean up with.” Dean assured, scooping up an item of clothing off the floor. It was Sam’s borrowed shirt, Dean paused for barely a second before smirking and using the shirt to wipe the come off of his bare chest and neck, what his brother didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. He then quickly turned back to where Cas was laying on the bed, attempting to catch his breath. Dean slid up against him, wrapping his arms around the former angel, pulling him close. Cas turned in the circle of Dean’s embrace so he could face the other man, smiling gently as their eyes met in the dim room. “So, satisfactory?” Dean asked with a hint of teasing in his tone, Cas snorting softly.

“More than.” Castiel promised, leaning in to place a quick kiss on Dean’s lips. “Did you mean what you said, about the things you wanted to do?”

“Hell yeah.” Dean grinned as he ran one hand along Cas’ face, cupping his cheek much like he had that morning. “I intend to get my mouth on every part of you, I just figured for our first time together I wouldn’t push your boundaries too far.”

“I appreciate that.” Cas replied, placing his hand against Dean’s chest, right over his heart, fingers skirting the edge of his anti possession tattoo. “And just for future reference, I look forward to every boundary we push.”

“That’s good, because I intend to have you fuck me into this mattress at some point soon.” Dean grinned, Cas groaning as he thumped his head down against the junction where the hunter’s neck met his shoulder.

“Don’t say things like that, I’m too tired to get another erection, even though my brain thinks it would be a very good idea right now.” Cas muttered against the skin of Dean’s shoulder, causing him to laugh.

“Don’t worry, sunshine, we have time. Right now I think it would be best if we both got some sleep.” Dean said as he turned his head to kiss Cas’ temple. He inhaled deeply, enjoying the smell of sweat and sex and everything that made up the scent that was just  Cas . He smelled perfect, he smelled like home. “I love you so much.” Dean said against Cas’ temple.

Castiel pulled back to be able to gaze at Dean, a tender look on his face. “I love you too.” He replied.

“Thank you for coming back to me.” Dean said, his voice catching slightly.

“Thank you for letting me.” Cas replied simply, smiling when Dean leaned in to kiss him again, slowly and lovingly. With a little contented sigh, Dean leaned back a bit to be able to reach the lamp on the nightstand, turning it off before joining Cas in wiggling under the covers, the pair settling after a moment or two. Dean’s chest was pressed against Cas’ back, the former angel’s head resting against the hunter’s arm instead of on the pillow. Dean’s face was pressed against Cas’ hair, breathing in the calming scent of his angel. It only took minutes before both dropped off to sleep, but for once that tug of darkness took Dean without the lingering sadness or regret that normally followed him into unconsciousness. Because now he knew that come the morning there was reason to hope again, reason to live again and that was more than enough to keep the nightmares at bay.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments keep characters from being impaled ❤️


End file.
